LL Cool J – Control Myself

The woman with the $1m bottom, Jennifer Lopez, doing the watusi with the man with the $1m overdraft, LL Cool J? It’s a mouth-watering prospect.
My goodness me, times have changed. Has it really been 20 years or so since a rap collaboration meant speed dialling speed metal merchants, Anthrax, or faxing rock dino’s, Aerosmith? Surely not.
There again, back in the days of old-skool rap, they never ever in a million New York minutes would come up with a closing chorus like we hear on Control Myself… and I quote: “zzzz, zzzzz, zzz, zzz, zz, zzzz, zz, zzzzz”. Imagine trying to get that past Steve Tyler — it’d be like asking the Anthrax geezers to play the Chicken Dance riff under Bring the Noise.
Regardless, Control Myself isn’t attempting to be a high watermark in the history of modern music, it’s a catchy ditty featuring J Lo’s bottom. Actually, I do J a disservice. She does get the chance to set Control Myself’s tone with a breathless introduction. Unfortunately, for the non-bilinguals among us, the sweet nothings that she’s mouthing are in Spanish. Or at least that’s what I assume, as it actually sounds more like she’s gargling warm Capilano. But after typing her patter, phonetically, into my Apple Mac’s translation application I gather she’s informing LL that her derriere is worth more than the production costs of the video. Which, I have to admit, is harsh but fair — the visual production values are as stripped back as the beats.
I hate to turn on the nostalgia tap again, but it’s interesting to consider that when LL Cool J first hit the scene back in 1985 with his trademark terry towling hat, Jennifer was in terry towling nappies… her butt only worth $23.95. And, back then, LL Cool J was a rap leviathan, now he’s just a leviathan. Have you seen his torso? Good grief. I thought you had to be doing ’25 to life’ in the State Penitentiary to get a body like that. I mean, how else does someone have the time to be that ripped?
And the story of Control Myself? It’s immaterial, quite frankly. Something about spotting a chick in a club called ‘Shaieeda’ (or similar), and LL losing all control (in fact at one point he mentions that he ‘feels my body urinating’… or at least that’s what it sound like). J Lo wiggles around describing herself as the ‘after party’… all a bit tawdry really. I think ‘zzz’ chorus probably best encapsulates Control Myself’s pathos best.

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