Rich Bastards Anonymous

Did you know that Tag Heuer is pronounced Tag Hoy-er, and not Tag Heurghhh? You did? Well, you’re doing better than me. Did you know that Longines (pronounced: Lawn-jean and not Long’ns) has released its Quadruple Retrograde with more needles than a Spitfire cockpit? I bet you did.

Welcome to the rarified world of Rich Bastards’ Watches. But the thing is, Rich Bastards’ Watches seem to advertised everywhere and not just in Rich Bastards’ Monthly. I don’t know what we’re advertising on the back of venue at the moment but if it’s not Rolex then I’d better have a stern word with our sales department. I mean, seems like every newspaper supplement has an Omega ad on the back, and unless I’m very much mistaken even the June edition of the Wiggles magazine had a Jaeger-Le Coultre (pronounced Zsa-Cher Le Cootre, if you can believe it) liftout.

So I’m beginning to feel just a little left out. Everyone who’s anyone has a Rich Bastards’ Watch and I don’t.

But here’s the first problem I have: a Rich Bastards’ Watch requires mondo amounts of dosh. These watches can cost more than what my car’s worth. And, sure, I understand there’s a lot of precision hand-sprung expertise going on here and an army of old men with bionic eyeballs and nano-tools have been triple-repeating their perpetual jump-hours to bring these marvels of engineering to Rich Bastards the world over… but… 50 grand for a watch? Gimme a break.

The next small issue I have with Rich Bastards’ Watches is: they’re all so butt-ugly!

As far as I can tell, Rich Bastards’ Watches fall into two categories. First up, you can go for a haute-fashion timepiece from classic names in chronography like Louis Vuitton or Salvatore Ferragamo and walk away with some odd-ball item not out of place on a catwalk on the planet Bizarro. Sure, you might look all avant garde now, but next year you’re stuck with a $20k paper weight.

On the other hand (so to speak), go for something more classic — by which I mean a watch with a big hand, a little hand and a tick-tock hand, rather than a heaving glob of plasma that simultaneously tells you the time and what celestial epoch you’re about to head into — then you’re likely to need a wrist the size of Lars ‘World’s Strongest Cod Trawlerman’ Friedulricksen to accommodate it. That’s right, watches are now bigger than dinner plates. I’m not sure why, I guess if you’ve just sold all your children into slavery to afford your Officiel Suisse Maurice Lacroix Tourbillion then presumably you want other Rich Bastards to see it — “Gazooks, look at that Rich Bastard’s watch. It’s the size of a flippin’ dartboard!”.

So, in summary, people the world over are falling over themselves to buy gaudy, over-priced, over-sized amulets with subjectively little aesthetic appeal. Worse still, people grab a whole bagful of ripoff gaudy, over-sized amulets from Bangkok! You’d have to have rocks in your head, surely?

Quality and looks are important. More important than a name. Don’t get sucked into name-chasing, always apply a ‘quality and appearance’ filter to any significant purchase. When it comes to furniture, for example, you’d be amazed at the quality, looks and value you can squeeze from a reputable custom furniture manufacturer. And don’t be discouraged by some of the luxe fitouts in our pages, they’re the equivalent of a Tiger Woods (bless his cotton socks) or a Cindy Crawford on the back page of Rich Bastards’ Monthly with they’re Omega or Rolex… they have their place, even if it’s not in yours. – CH.


Tag Heurgh timepiece: Too big to fit on an world’s randiest athlete. Case closed.

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